Emily

I moved!

2006-09-09T04:01:01Z

I moved to myspace - a combination of livejournal + facebook. Here is the url or you can just click on it.

http://blog.myspace.com/emily_oneil

to Hong Kong

2006-02-23T00:28:14Z

I found an old poem book of mine. I used to collect my favorite poems: write them in a journal and then draw or find illustrations for them. I love the trips down memory lane.

I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

- Joyce Kilmer

Graduation 05

2005-12-11T22:15:57Z

Yesterday I graduated. I've been having mixed emotions of excited to start a new life and fear of doing nothing. I have an extreme fear of becoming isolated and mindless. I want to live and see the world!

Travel and enjoy time with friends, keep learning new things and analyzing the meaning of life, enjoy the moments and attend various events (and hopefully organize events), continue creating and feeling optimistic.

I just have to keep reminding myself of those things opposed to being consumed by my fear. Also taking things one step at a time and not being overwhelmed by the grand picture.

Yesterday Afia, Katie, Emily, Brenda, Q, Bryant, Leticia, 200 other people, and I graduated!!! My mum wasn't able to make it to the ceremony though she was able to watch it on the local tv. channel. My brother and dad were there which was so sweet of them.

I love celebrating, different groups of people you care about being merry and socializing with each other. Luckily Heather and Jesse came. I wish more of my friends and family could have been there to celebrate with me though there are always future events to celebrate together. Celebrating together is very important to me. Honestly its one of the most important things to me.

It was a good graduation though. The ceremony speech was bad. So bad that I felt bad for the speaker. Sat next to Emily which was fun and otherwise the ceremony went by fairly fast. They totally butchered Afia's name, like first, middle, and last!

Heather, Jesse, Afia, Sean, and I had lunch at pho. It was so packed in there! I always worry for small businesses so I love seeing them be successful. Went and celebrated with my family at home. I love my family so much. They are very quite but they really try to make things special in their own quite way.

Ate dinner at Miyoshi with Heather, Jesse, Afia, and Sean. Visited with Yachiyo's mom and got to eat in a tatami room. Heather and Jesse had to leave to feed their cats and Afia and Sean went to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe so I went to Poppies to met up with the boys and girls. We went downtown and eventually ended up on the boy's couch.

Though it was small, its more important to me to appreciate what I have and not take away from that.

I hope to have some fun with friends over break - holidays and spend time with my family. I really want to hit up Mt. Baker!

my college life

2005-12-09T06:40:44Z

Facebook now allows users to upload pictures / create albums. I created one of my college life. These are pictures of my life the past two years since that's how long I've had my camera.

I've had this blog since the first month of college. Four years later I'll be graduating and starting a new. I wonder where life will take me...

It's exciting though I'm sometimes filled with dread. People ask "How do you feel?!" and honestly I haven't had a lot of time to think about it. I still have one more final to go.

Life is filled with errands though I hope to spend time this holiday reflecting and planning.

I really want to rent a cabin up in Mt. Baker with some friends though they are beyond difficult to coordinate. Found some awesome sites on the web. Cabins with hot tubs, pool tables, and entertainment sets!

It doesn't quite feel like the holidays yet though it's starting too. Will have to start shopping for gifts for friends and family.

One more final...

In the Mood for Love

2005-12-07T07:39:55Z

Watched In the Mood for Love a Wong Kar-wai film. Every shot was extremely well thought out as well as the soundtrack and dialog (or lack of). It was like watching a chef prepare a meal.

Need to develop a guest list for my graduation dinner. Also a wish list for Christmas. New Year's is coming up. Another year gone, another year to start. I want to enjoy moments, knowing it represents past, present, and future. I will only be here once.

ekoblog @ 2005-12-05T13:01:00

2005-12-05T21:04:57Z

Today I'm turning in my form for graduation ceremony. I will be walking this Sat @ 10 am and officially graduating college. I'll be starting my new life as a college graduate soon, looking for a job and an apartment, most likely Seattle for now.

lol - sounds like the beginning of some tv drama.

I know it will be stressful at times but I just have to remember to relax and that life is an adventure.

Graduation, here I come!

World AIDS Day

2005-12-03T06:05:16Z

Yesterday was World AIDS Day. Didn't see anything on campus for it though. Wish I had more time to organize events. I think its really important that people remember AIDS and to maintain prevention. It frustrates me that the only time I hear mass media talking about AIDS is when its in Africa. AIDS is not something that only exists in Africa nor a trend that was "so 90's."

Q showed me this great video last night. It roughly translates into "Live long enough to find the right one. Use a condom."

I started crying afterwards. I wonder how many people I will have dated before I "find the right one" and if I even will. It feels like each person that I date takes a piece of me and soon there will be nothing left to give. I have to keep the hope and at the same time be content with life: single or not.

WWU winter

2005-11-30T09:38:37Z

Shey's photos

2005-11-26T11:55:37Z

from a letter I wrote

2005-11-17T20:55:45Z

Thanks for your e-mails. Everything is set and I will be graduating Dec 10. My family is excited and the only thing left is to talk with the alumni house.

Its funny, at times I feel fine - living my life and other times I feel emotionally broken. When I moved down to Oregon this summer, I didn't really connect with the people down there as much as I'm used to, so was basically living by myself for three months which was a lot tougher then I ever thought it would be. I've always considered myself a very independent person but learned that my strengh comes from having friends near by.

Then I was in a severe car accident and started school soon after, so haven't had much time to emotionally re-coop before we received the news about my mom.

Soon after I was in a semi-accident with a bicyclist. In addition there is the average stress of being in a relationship, graduating, taking four classes, working, and just living in general.

Basically there is only so much stress a person can handle and though I've been in extra strong mode - I occasionally just break down and cry . Then I have to pick myself and keep going.

I had one of those moments the other day and though I managed to pick myself up, it was so much easier with my friends here lending me their hand.

I thought I was managing my stress, but its starting to slip away from me, especially with the extra end of the quarter stress, so am going to make an appointment at the counseling center at school.

So that's where I am right now. Just taking everything one day at a time and trying not to let the stress get to me, though I want to cont. facing reality too.

Emily

ekoblog @ 2005-11-16T07:40:00

2005-11-16T15:49:25Z

I feel like a rower racing to the finish line. I know I'm losing, that I'm falling behind, but if I don't keep rowing I will only sink more. Though my muscles ache, my lungs burn, and I just want to puke blood, I have to keep rowing, one stroke at a time. One more stroke right after the other.

Though I didn't cross the finish in record time, I have to remind myself that regardless of my position to others, I am still floating and that the real conquest was that I kept rowing regardless of how much I hurt or how fast I was sinking and falling behind.

Though I may want to cry, there is still a part of me that can hold my head up and plan to improve for next time.

ekoblog @ 2005-11-16T03:51:00

2005-11-16T12:03:05Z

Have been realizing how much I miss having my own room. I've also been realizing how much I actually do study. I had always felt like I didn't study that much, but now that there are new priorities on my time, I find myself saying "no, I have to study" more then I ever would have thought.

I wish I had my own room to relax in and listen - dance to music, especially now.

It will be interesting to move back home next quarter, considering my room is extremely small and already full from being used as a storage room.

At least everything is in the same town so can move things slowly. It will be my third move this year and most likely I'll have one more left too.

Arrr... the red bull is eating away at my stomach. Must keep chipping away to the paper. I can only do what I can do.

ekoblog @ 2005-11-15T16:22:00

2005-11-16T00:25:39Z

It's difficult to do things when you're depressed. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know why this paper is getting to me so much. Its really not that difficult. Am I that burnt out? I have to get it finished, even if I have to chop off my own hand. I will fucking finish it. It's just so difficult to do things when you're depressed.

ekoblog @ 2005-11-07T23:15:00

2005-11-07T08:44:02Z

Just in case you don't know this, it really really really creeps me out when people post anonymous criticisms. If you feel the need to post criticism, then at least post your name so we can have a constructive dialog, otherwise its just an anonymous act of hostility and that's what creeps me out.

Someone (am assuming its the same person) has been posting comments critizing the most minor aspects of my entries.

In response to "You also ignore the objectification that male sex has been facing within the last two decades." Ummm... this is my personal blog that I spend 15 min quickly updating random thoughts, not a thesis paper! If you want to have a non hostile debate, then post your name. If you knew me, then you would have already known how much the objectification of males bothers me. I don't have the energy to post disclaimers in my blog while I quickly post random thoughts between class.

As for the poem I was talking about, I borrowed Q's cultural studies book.

every 3 minutes a woman is beaten
every five minutes a
woman is raped/every ten minutes
a lil girl is molested
yet i rode the subway today
i sat next to an old man who
may have beaten his old wife
3 minutes ago or 3 days/30 years ago
he might have sodomized his
daughter but i sat there
cuz the young men on the train
might beat some young women
later in the day or tomorrow
i might not shut my door fast
enuf/push hard enuf
every 3 minutes it happens
some woman's innocence
rushes to her cheeks/pours from her mouth
like the betsy wetsy dolls have been torn
apart/their mouths
menses red & split/every
three minutes a shoulder
is jammed through plaster and the oven door/
chairs push thru the rib cage/hot water or
boiling sperm decorate her body
i rode the subway today
& bought a paper from a
man who might
have held his old lady onto
a hot pressing iron/i dont know
maybe he catches lil girls in the
park & rips open their behinds
with steel rods/i can't decide
what he might have done i only
know every 3 minutes
every 5 minutes every 10 minutes/so
i bought the paper
looking for the announcement
the discovery/of the dismembered
woman's body/the
victims have not all been
identified/today they are
naked and dead/refuse to
testify/one girl out of 10's not
coherent/i took the coffee
& spit it up/i found an
announcement/not the woman's
bloated body in the river/floating
not the child bleeding in the
59th street corridor/not the baby
broken on the floor/
"there is some concern
that alleged battered women
might start to murder their
husbands & lovers with no
immediate cause"
i spit up i vomit i am screaming
we all have immediate cause
every 3 minutes
every 5 minutes
every 10 minutes
every day
women's bodies are found
in alleys & bedrooms/at the top of the stairs
before i ride the subway/buy a paper/drink
coffee/i must know/
have you hurt a woman today
did you beat a woman today
throw a child across a room
are the lil girl's panties
in yr pocket
did you hurt a woman today

i have to ask those obscene questions
the authorities require me to
establish
immediate cause

ekoblog @ 2005-11-02T00:23:00

2005-11-02T09:21:43Z

Just finished a study group at 11:30. So much on my mind these days.

Am going to see Turandot this Thurs in Vancouver. Wikipedia has an extensive synopsis of it.

I'm excited to see it and hear Nessun Dorma live! I also love the experience of just going to the opera. Its a whole nother culture of its own. Culture is like food to me, I like tasting a little bit of each flavor.

Though its midnight and I have a paper and powerpoint to finish editing, been realizing the importance of exploring my own interests. As more of my time is spent completing just the pre-programmed mass requirements, I feel myself get blander.

What I viewed as a negative procrastination tool before is now the new priority. Am still debating if I should graduate this quarter.

Tomorrow:

- study for Ethics exam
- 11 am Ethics group meeting
- 12 pm Strat Mang
- 2 pm OPS
- 4 pm Ethics exam and presentation
- 6 pm B-Gallery reception
- 6 pm Starbuck's Denny resume critique
- 7 pm Barbarian Invasion
- Q clean laptop

ekoblog @ 2005-10-21T15:44:00

2005-10-21T23:20:02Z

It's Friday and am in the HH computer lab negotiating pharmaceutical contracts for the manufacturing simulation. Am also reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for study breaks while chugging my drip coffee from the Coffee Lady.

Visited my family last night and saw my mum off to Seattle for a pre-op. visit. I hope to spend time with my family this weekend. She seems to be wanting more time - support from me. Am planning on taking next quarter off from school to help her through chemo. It will be an interesting learning experience for all of us.

Turned on the television this morning and watched MTV, local news, cartoons, the history channel, and international news. I haven't had tv in five years so am always fascinated when I do get a chance to watch it - control it.

I love how stylistic music videos are, the extraordinary amount of design and coordination that goes into producing them. Their over sexualization and objectification of women didn't bother me as much as it usually does. I wonder if my view of sexualization and women's identity has changed, especially being in a sexual relationship and taking strip-tease aerobics. It feels good to own my sexuality though it is for me. There was a poem in a sociology book that I hope to post up sometime that expressed the weird reality of abuse to females, the question who is doing it?

I walk around with the perception that most people are good and that there are a few dangerous people out there, yet the statistic don't match up. How can they be so high! What are we doing as a society and what can we do?

Must break away from feminist rant and finish my contracts. Am wanting to go to the ESC conference tonight and hang out with all the ESC peeps (as well as support Q), though prioritize are prioritize.

ekoblog @ 2005-10-04T20:50:00

2005-10-05T03:51:15Z

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!
You drink everyone under the table.

Who's Your Inner European?

Presenting, Mr. and Mrs. Bass

2005-09-09T01:22:36Z

ekoblog @ 2005-09-02T03:22:00

2005-09-02T10:24:52Z

I thought about it and tried to figure out why you would even think that of me. I'm obviously not a person void of all worldly possessions, but I'm not a plastic, screw other people, fill life's emptiness with shopping type person either.

Yes gas prices are extremely high which is why I can't afford to drive, yet at the same time I feel our low prices compared to the rest of the world has created a warped undervalued opinion of the oil crisis and our need to solve it instead of buying SUV (this year being the first that SUV sales exceeded those of sedans according to USA Today).

So when I say I don't mind paying the high fuel prices, its not b/c I feel I can afford it so screw the rest of ya'll in your economic plight, b/c 1. I can't afford it and 2. that's not why I'm not extremely outraged at the increased prices.

The reason I'm not extremely outraged is b/c I hope it pushes Americans to use the resources already available to them such as public transportation, buying more fuel efficient cars, driving less in general, carpooling, or even just walking that extra mile. I also hope it pushes Americans to demand more efficient public transportation and development of fuel efficient cars. Currently even with heavy government subsizdization, Amtrak still faces shutdown!

I know this is an idealistic view and that this country was not built to be fuel efficient, non car friendly. Trust me, you're talking with an expert considering that I've never driven - owned a car until three months ago.

Cars are basically a necessity here, yet at the same time, it is we that make it so and until recently most people were fine with that b/c hey, gas was so "affordable" then. So yes paying gas sucks and unfortunately those who feel it worst are those who already have the least. And those who can afford the gas guzzling SUV are those who feel it the least, though they are the people who should feel it the most.

Its so fucking sick the growing disparity between the poor and upper class. As our economy becomes more service based, the American "middle class" is rapidly becoming a myth, especially in California where they are constantly fighting for the "living wage" and the East Coast where they have started "sack lunch programs" where they give school children food to take home after school b/c more and more families can no longer even afford to feed themselves.

And I admit that I'm very ill educated on all these topic, but I do know is that I don't want you or anyone else thinking I'm an insensitive plastic bitch who only cares about myself and what I can afford.

I remember reading the Western Front - Western Voices (where they ask random students questions) last year and getting so pissed off. The question was "What do you plan on doing about rising gas prices?" and one chics quote was "Keep driving my SUV since my dad pays for my gas." Grrr... I hate the "its not my problem b/c it isn't directly affecting me" atitude.

And I know I'm doing a lot of things wrong too, no one is perfect and someone is always thinking you can do things better, but at least I hope my heart is somewhat in the right place - caring for others and the long term effects our actions have to everyone (though I often feel guilty that I'm not doing more) w/o being judgemental of others (its all a personal choice).

Jesus, I sound like a hippie! Anyway, maybe this is too Emily-ish and doesn't make a lot of sense, but I at least had to try to explain myself.

News from the Underworld - the world today

2005-08-28T06:44:47Z

The yakuza appointed a new crime boss today.

So movie-esq! It seems our society is growing more accepting and weaved in with the "underworld." Its like we're slowly desensitizing to their brutal crimes and turning them into normalities. The world has become so subdued and passive! Where are our heroes, our revoluntionists?

The other day was reading about the Mexican cartels assassinating a bordertown police chief within hours of him officially starting the position.

Finally watched Y Tu Mamá También! So good!

I liked how subtle it was, showing various aspects of life in Mexico, the social class, male-female dynamic, life in general. I also liked how real the sex felt, not brutal or overly emotional, just there even though it was a center focus. Definitely recommend watching this movie.

ekoblog @ 2005-08-25T23:34:00

2005-08-26T07:17:57Z

British take their football seriously! I love it! How great would it be to open up your e-mail and have some random Newcastle United formation sent to you!

Have my music on shuffle (as usual) and right now its Radiohead - Fitter Happier. I love how random the song selection is, one second Puccini and the other Rocker T. Fitter Happier always reminds me of Ben.

For my 19 birthday I had him burn me a cd of his favorite songs (something I love to share with all those I consider close to me) and he gave me a copy of Radiohead OK Computer, Fitter Happier being my favorite on the track.

lol, Ben, last I heard he was in Thailand. Aye he was so random! For our - my first date ever he picked me up from my parents to go see Red Dragon and started smoking a blunt in his old broken down VW bug on the way to the cinema.

We def. had a very random relationship. One day my parents asked the question, I was honest, and from then on I was forbidden to see Ben, though we worked together at the same italian restaurant - pizza joint.

It was all politics, I mean what would you have done if you were them, its not like they could condone their high school daughter having sex, especially with a guy in collage.

So we had pseudo relationship from end of Sr. year to beginning of the dorms. Actually Ben is somewhat how I originally got sent - went to Alaska and our break up marks the anniversary of this journal!

Anyway, it he was a very random first boyfriend and is still a complete random mystery to this day.

For me that is what life is all about. Collecting as many random stories as possible.

ekoblog @ 2005-08-21T18:25:00

2005-08-22T02:29:30Z

Last weekend went semi-camping on the coast with Q. I say semi-camping b/c we actually never found an open camp site and slept mostly in the car or my apartment. We did drive up the mountain, saw Jr. Reid perform in Eugene, saw the galaxy - milky way, drove along the coast, and went dune bugging.

Even though we didn't talk much, it was still an awesome weekend. Learning that Q is just much quieter then I had thought.

The weekend before my brother visited as well as Kelly and Jimmy. I was worried how the interaction would go but I hate worrying about those things. Really, what could I do except let it go whatever direction it would?

Everyone seemed to have fun and we went to Eugene Farmer's Market. Its basically like a permanent festival in the middle of the city, which is more like an extended version of the Ave in Seattle, with all the artisan restaurants, shops, and bars spewn across city blocks.

After Farmer’s Market, the double A twins came down from Portland and we all cooked - ate yummy food. It was like old times with good food, mah jong and thirteen, and vcd playing. It was funny having my brother there in that scene too.

ekoblog @ 2005-08-09T22:06:00

2005-08-10T05:12:27Z

ekoblog @ 2005-08-09T19:18:00

2005-08-10T04:38:25Z

It's been almost two weeks since the accident. I've been stressed, which is to be expected, and am now starting to relax again - resettle my life. It defiantly was a serious serious experience and I hope I've learned all that I can from it. I've definitely been thinking a lot about driving, finances, myself and people.

For those who don't know, Wed July 27 I drove up to Portland for a Reel Big Fish and Catch 22 concert after work. I left the concert early to drive back to Corvallis which is about 1.5 hrs south of Portland. I started feeling tired so I pulled into a gas station in Salem, bought something to drink, and took a breather. I also turned on the a/c and radio to an ultra high. About 15 minutes on I-5 again I started drifting to sleep and drifting off the road. When my tires started going on the gravel I turned the car and instead rolled it across I-5.

I remember it rolling and next thing I knew there was a guy at the window asking if I was okay and someone calling the police-ambulance. I was extremely with it and calm though am sure it was the shock. I wasn’t allowed to move as a safety-health precaution and as we sat there waiting for the ambulance, police, etc I asked the guy if the car was totaled. He laughed and said I think so.

The next day when my parents and I went to salvage the remains of the car and pay the towing bill, saw that it was almost a miracle I survived. Out of the whole car, the only part not crumpled in was the driver’s seat. There were no tires, no glass, and the car couldn’t even sit on the ground since it no longer was flat.

Though I paid $4,000 for another car plus expenses, I am extremely lucky to be alive, completely unhurt except for a scrape on my elbow from the airbag, that there were no other cars – people in the vicinity, and that my glasses, camera, wallet, security badge, and cell phone all survived the crash. My car insurance is covering all my medical cost including a hearing test and my rates are only increasing $100 due to the ticket I received.

Am learning a lot about finances as well as other random life lessons, like the ultra importance of friends and the type of life I want to lead after college. I still dream of back packing across Europe and exploring the world in general.

Target is so serious and driven (though there is a lot of teasing and fun too) that its good to be reminded that I’m still young and that I’m not suppose to know exactly what I want to do. That its okay to try a whole bunch of different things and learn and have fun with them.

It will feel good to be back in Seattle – Bellingham again though I fully intend on enjoying my last six weeks here. Right now I have to go to bed since I get up at 4 am.

ekoblog @ 2005-07-26T22:58:00

2005-07-27T06:57:46Z

My emotions have been all over the place this past week! And to top it off been analyzing it to death and almost to the point of insanity.

It feels so serious - real sometimes and other times it feels beyond ridiculous. I guess reality is whatever we make it though it seems like there are absolutes also.